14 months have come and gone and I’ve lived each one of them with joy and amazement at my little girl. In these 14 months my world has been changed like it was in a snow globe and turned upside down and shook, all the pieces abandoning gravity and floating around amidst bits of glitter and drops of water.
Now things have settled down again into a new arrangement and I’m loving how it all looks. But the fact is, nothing is ever stagnant with you around. You change daily in subtle ways – other changes stack up without me noticing until one day you’re doing this whole new big thing, like saying your aunty’s name or looking like a little girl with hair over your ears.
I’m struggling this week with appreciating all those moments that have passed and letting go of them. I miss them all so much, yet I love every day with you more and more. It’s a strange sensation to want two opposite things at the same time: the little baby and the growing girl.
You’re a little girl now. You’re not an infant anymore. It’s amazing to me. Of course in some ways it’s sad… I loved loving you up as an infant. I loved the feel of your body in my arms, the curve of your belly against mine when we nursed at night. I loved the way you communicated with your large, expressive eyes: curiosity, calmness, pleasure. I loved the snuggles.
As juicy as it was, and as much as I miss it, it’s actually getting juicer. Now you can return my snuggles. Now you initiate kisses and hugs and cuddles, making my heart just about fly out of my fingertips and cover you in goo. Now you communicate with your voice, too, and your body, hands, fingers, and eyes. You have preferences. You can interact with everything and everyone that intrigues you, especially other little kids and those furry doggies. You still tuck up like a curl against me when we sleep, although it feels like you’re half my height now you’re so tall. And I can still hold you in my arms to rock you to sleep, although now it takes both arms.
And I’m going to hold on to you with both arms for as long as I can.